Fantasies of a middle class chokri

I look outside my window and see a huge building being constructed…its almost done now. The owner of it must be hell of a rich guy I thought…RICH, how that word pricks when you realize you dangle somewhere in between…you have just enough to not push you off to penury…

How would it be to spray Escada I wondered…to roam around in a chauffeured car…how would it be not to bargain at the thrift shops …to buy everything that you lay your eyes on…I laugh to myself ..the fantasies of a middle class …

I have an option though……..marry a damn rich guy and then waste away all his money…..no…….I say…. I am too self-righteous to do that …I pay for what I earn..but what do I earn? just enough to send some money home..buy myself a 200-300RS salwar.. and occasionally to gobble down McDonald’s…

I look at my boss……….he earns more than 1 crore ………..1 crore I say ………what luxuries you could buy with that! I wonder do people who are really poor actually wonder how it would be to be in my shoes………is it in our blood to always want more?

All the books I have read say I should be happy with what I have…. Then why am I not happy? What makes my stomach churn……….when I see that BMW pass by me?...... I know what my capacity is……….there would be no revolutionary breakthrough in my career that I would suddenly be paid in gold…………so how would I then feel how it is to be rich…

Would be really sad if I had to die with unfulfilled wishes…………coz I am sure I would haunt all the rich guys….

I let out a sigh……….as I drag myself into the bus ……..they have put up fountains in front of the building…

How not to work!

Its been long since I even felt like writing. Probably because I dont have writing fitted in my genes. And obviously the meagre number of hits on my blog was a deterrent to my otherwise zealous self.

But today I am writing with a different purpose. I am writing because after years I want to look at this blog and feel that I was at this position once upon a time.

I successfully completed my post-graduation from a not so premier institute and also got a job that exactly did not fit my bill but I liked it anyways. Days passed by and then I realised that I had completed over 6 months in the organisation. To summarise, I loved the job and I wanted to do this for the rest of my life................but there are some things called destiny and when god has charted out a life for you ..............you can do nothing but to tread on it. Suddenly everything that I did seemed to entail some problem or the other and my boss the person that he is .............branded me as a problem to his company.........to make matters worse he treated me as an outcast.

All this was new to me. I have always been lauded for my work and my dedication. I was able to win respect from people just for my work. Now all of a sudden my boss makes me feel worthless and I began to wonder all those years was I fooling myself or is my boss just playing with my confidence. Now when you just close your eyes and think........nothing made sense to me. What went wrong? What have I done? I had put in all my effort .......all my dedication to my job...

I learnt a lot of things...

1. When one enters an organisation be sure to impress the person who is responsible either for your appraisal.........and more importantly your dismissal.

2.When you work make sure that the end result either betters the work or is recognised by your higher ups.

3.Its very very important to understand the culture within the organisation. Is it a formal set-up informal set-up.. for eg.......when I cracked jokes with my collegues nobody laughed!! I mean each time I tried being funny...itz as if I am trying to slap myself.

4. Never, Never let anyone know your true self. Never make yourself vulnerable to anybody.

5.Most of all never let any make you feel inferior.


Thats all for now.........feel a lil relaxed now.

Where does the love go?

What keeps relationships going? Is it that warm sensation you get when you see the one you love or is it all the trails and test of time that the couple go through and if it is all these wonderful things that keeps relationships going why is that it seems very less reflected among the married couples in India?

I am not trying to be judgmental here but it always puzzles me that couples have been together for 25-30 years only to have ceased any kind of civil conversation between them and their relationship has graduated to such a level that they don’t even sleep together. It is the insights with all the small observations that you make when you visit your relatives or your friends parents, how many of them can you truly tell are together because they want to be together? All those wanting eyes, loving words that you hear and see in umpteen number of romantic movie flicks does it really translate into happenings in real life? Doubting husbands, frustrated wives I guess that is what you look forward to when it comes to being in a relationship for ‘too long’ so much so that anyone who survives the ‘I hate being in this relationship’ syndrome is actually considered one of a kind.

It’s a pity that your honeymoon period just ends with those one or two months that couples are gifted with prolonging that feeling becomes nearly impossible. Kids, In-laws, irking relatives from both ends seem to play quite a role in wrecking otherwise delicate bond.

We don’t have the drive to express..express our love to the one we love. Your wife cooks a good meal for you, do you acknowledge it and say it really tastes good? Your husband comes back home all tired does the wife take the time to massage his back once in a while. Small acts of love goes a long way in keeping the love alive it does not have be backed up with big diamond rings or expensive vacations, small day to day acts of love goes a long way in building lives.

A new start

I see everybody leaving and I feel a new life beginning. I feel as if I have come a long way from where I was. No more of the kiddish stunts no more of the girlie night outs. I seemed to have stepped into someone else shoes and I am not feeling comfortable at all.

But that is not the only thing bothering me. Today I saw so many leave and I am used to tearful farewell’s where each one wishes that if only they were together one more day, one more hour.. one more moment. The scene I saw was very different everybody seemed to be beaming ear to ear and I was taken aback because I know I would be doing the same too glad that I am out of this dreadful college.

So sad though that in these two years there were no bonds nurtured no feelings exchanged just a quiet acceptance that we were bought together by some cruel fate and for two years we might as well get ahead with it. And we did get ahead with it each one guarded themselves and never let anyone know they were vulnerable. The scene when I was a kid all through my teenage years was very different. Back then it was so easy to trust, so easy to make friends, so easy to enjoy life. In post graduation relationship were built with caution and out of necessity. Friendship had given way to diplomacy. Plain fun was replaced with cautious laughter. Everyone was so scared to expose themselves, be themselves trust somebody. Everything was so…fake.

I can’t blame anyone because as we grow older our stakes become higher. Before I could pass some comment and get away with it now any gossip I create or someone creates about me would nail my progress upward in the ‘corporate world’. As we grow older responsibility sneaks in and obviously after successfully facing many betrayals, many falls and many hardships the mind becomes conditioned to the surroundings.

After these two years I can say that we all have become much stronger to face the world. The mini ‘corporate world’ that we were exposed too gave us an idea that the world outside is nothing less. But its with a sign that I let go of this final leg of my education life. I gained a lot but lost much more than that.

Of bondages and relationships

My advertising teacher was going on and on about sex, condoms, Viagra and everything that was actually taboo to discuss and that too in a class of seventy students. While the girls all squirmed in disgust and embarrassment the guys were all having the time of their life. That is when I wondered is it really ok for teachers to get that ‘free’ with students. For that matter should this kind of free talk be encouraged among parents or others more aged than us.

I cringe when someone I respect or someone I hold high regard for talks to me about topics not normally discussed. According to me I feel it breaks that bondage of respect and brings in a sort of carelessness to the relationship. The carelessness to speak anything and everything without regard for age or relationship. I am not saying that parents should be strict with their kids or teachers should have a military attitude all I am saying is there should be a line. That line that borders between decency and vulgarity.

Talking incessantly about perverted topics is not closeness nor is it bridging the communication gap. I feel any discussion should be constructive and not spoken to have cheap pleasure. As long as the conversation is to communicate a message its fine but if it for any other reasons it should not be encouraged.

Let every relation have its sanctity. Let a father daughter relationship be that bond of parenthood and not a relationship wherein the father asks you “So how is your sex life doing?”. Let the student teacher relationship be one of respect and not one wherein your professor asks you out on a date. I might be sounding very outdated and very much orthodox but what I feel is when you’re ‘cool’ about everything in life. Life and bonds cease to have meaning to it.

Guru - The Movie

Who has not seen ‘Guru’ by now? Well at least all the MBA students have. I have watched the movie too and to put it in plain words it was ‘Great!. Aishwarya in her traditional ‘half-saree’ and Abhishek in his 70’s style clothing was a sight to watch. What I found different in this movie was that there were no product placements in the movie and there were no outside locations like Switzerland or Hong Kong to push the movie forward. The purpose of the movie was simply….to entertain.

In this mad race today movies have become a media for advertising and also commercialization but Mani Ratnam so beautifully shows that it’s not the sparsely clothed actresses, exotic locations, macho heroes or vulgar scenes that are sure shot for a ‘hit’ movie, it can very simply be the script itself and the message it conveys.

The movie glorifies the need of an emerging country like ours to have more entrepreneurs who can challenge not only the established companies within the country but the world. Mani Ratnam has made very good choice on his character, Mr.Dhirubhai Ambani who learned to dream big and fulfilled it. The director has easily molded Mr.Dhirubhai Ambani’s life into an inspirational one. It gives us an inside view on how business actually works and its not always hard work but smart work which pays. While most of the movies overemphasize either the hero or heroine’s role this movie has given equal weightage to both. Though Aishwarya does not picture too often but her role has been portrayed in a very powerful way. In the sense his vision, confidence and sheer grit of Guru was not his alone but backed up by his ever loving and supporting wife.

Packed with powerful dialogues and foot tapping numbers by A.R.Rahman the movie is a must see.

Rejection

I got rejected for another interview today. ‘Rejected’ its surprising how easily that thought sunk into me to bring out all those weird facial changes. Suddenly my eyes dint feel as dry as before and my breath was coming out in gasps and being surrounded by thousands of people some giving those sympathetic looks some jeering at your failure you realize at that moment that your so alone… no one at that moment can feel the pain that your feeling.

Feeling of rejection is all too familiar a ground for me and it always takes me ages to pacify myself and get back into action. Once you reach the dark dungeons of rejection suddenly you seem to be the most worthless person to be alive. All the so called smartness, intelligence, tufness everything vanishes and sheer hopelessness sets in. I have battled through these thoughts all too many times and maybe not victorious always but I have learnt to BELIEVE.

I have learnt to believe that there is someone up there who is watching over you and testing your faith in him. Testing if you would get through the test of time but watching over you all the same. It’s like when your dad once taught you to ride your bike. He only held on as long as it was required, pampering you, encouraging you and being by your side but he let you go to be on your own, to brave your way through the world. It was difficult for me to get my footing firmly on the ground but I have done it now, I can now proudly proclaim. I don’t weep months on end thinking about my failures nor do I feel that I am any less better than anyone else. The wound heals much faster…the smile comes back to my face much faster….my heart becomes much lighter now.

For all those who feel that they are no good all I have to say is BELIEVE…